Screenwriting Survival

To seal the deal and sell their script, a writer must count on  technique . I practice my writer's technique four or five times a day.  I like to use a watermelon to practice, but really you can use any fruit or even large vegetable (such as a pumpkin) that you find appropriate. Let's break it down into stages. 1) Pucker the lips. 2) Kiss the fruit imagining that you are kissing the ass of a studio executive. What style kiss? Slobbery or dry? Peck or impassionado? That's up to you. The main thing = practice, practice, practice. (And then make a nice fruit salad.)

BEFORE you pitch, remember to PRACTICE your presentation. The best way to practice is on actual PEOPLE. No fair practicing with yourself in front of the mirror. Find the people who are the LEAST LIKELY to buy your pitch. For instance, I like to go to Dodger's Stadium and try to sell my movie pitch idea to the fans of the losing team that night after the game. Other times, I'll try selling my pitch to gang members. Remember, if you can sell your pitch to The Grape Street Crips, then you MIGHT be able to sell it to a studio executive.

I like to break down the winning template for screenplay success. This will save you a lot of time.  Instead of spending hours thinking about what will happen in your screenplay, simply use the following form (fill in the blanks as appropriate) A ________ living in ________ has a problem. S/he has many winning qualities but lacks the ability to ________. Along comes _________ who/which (circle one) challenges her to change. The _______ decides to ________. Several obstacles however present themselves, most notably ______, ______ and ______. In order to get around the obstacles, our ________ tries to _______ but the _______ _______ before s/he can _______. At the same time _________________, but _________ has to __________ until _________, _________ or ________. However, __________ with the clock ticking, _________, _________, ________. Finally _________, and in a big ending _________ and ___________. _________, with _________, __________, _________ and ______...

Each year over 10,000,000,000 new screenplays are registered with the Writers Guild of America. Only .000000001% of scripts sell. So you could labor for a YEAR trying to write a great script that NEVER sells, or you could use some simple marketing tools and techniques to SELL YOUR SCRIPT TODAY. Why not use  advertising to help sell your screenplay? For instance: Take out local TV ads for your screenplay, to advertise how great it is. Testimonials . Submit your literary property with testimonials from various individuals saying how how they loved it (wink wink). And what about making your script more appealing by setting it apart using some tricks from merchandising? Scented pages . I like to spray my scripts with expensive cologne AND perfume to give the message... sexy, suave, sleek. Gold ink . Print out your script on rice paper with gilded lettering in a fancy font like Zaph Chancery. It helps communicate the message, "This is quality. I'm being inv...

Here is a pro tip. When you're pitching your Hollywood Movie Idea, don't waste time talking about who the story is about, what's the genre, or who is the target audience. You DON'T need all that. Instead, boil down your pitch into TWO WORDS. I know what you're thinking. Barton, can a two word pitch really sell? Can I truly strike Gower Avenue Gold walking into a meeting and saying just two words? I, Barton J. Bukowski, assure you a two word pitch WILL sell.* (*Provided the two words are the first name and the last name of a big movie star who has agreed to do your movie.) Say those two words, leave the meeting, and wait for bags of cash to start raining down. This technique also works with  three words, e.g. "Guillermo del Toro"

Pop Quiz: WHICH is the following screenwriters is the SUCCESSFUL one (answer at the bottom). SCREENWRITER #1 Boo hoo. I can't get a writing gig. SCREENWRITER #2 Waaaa. I can't sell my pitch. SCREENWRITER #3 Complain all you want. But I'm all about hard work. I'm going to start draft #336 of my new spec comedy about a dude that decides to enter the Miss Argentina pageant. SCREENWRITER #5 (to self) Hmmm, good concept. I think I'll quietly pitch it while he's distracted perfecting his spec. ANSWER TO THE QUIZ: Screenwriter #5 is successful because he got the idea to market first. The moral of today's story: Work fast, or don't tell your friends what you're writing.

There is nothing better than saying in a pitch or story meeting, this is based on a TRUE STORY . But what do you do if your true story is BORING ? A lot of writers make the mistake of assuming that, just because a story is based on "reality," that means they can't influence reality. Not so. You are a part of reality as are most studio executives and even many agents. And, as part of reality, you can influence reality. For instance... Let's say you found a true story about an elderly Polish woman who lives on her own so that she can give her retirement money to her grandchildren for their education.  It sadly sounds a bit dull. However, how cool would it be for the grandchildren to go MISSING , and the elderly woman starts receiving mysterious MESSAGES : drive your motorized wheelchair and be at 'x' place at 'x' time. If you want to see your grandkids, you must cook your cat's hairballs with angel hair pasta and eat it. And more....