Screenwriting Survival

I can't tell you how many friends and associates of mine are having real problems trying to sell their scripts. I haven't had such problems, and I'm going to share with you one of my secrets to screenwriting success. The concept is bundling. I'm sure you have seen this in marketing. For instance, when you buy a steak knife set, they'll throw in a second set and a sharpener for free. Why not apply this concept to successful screenwriting? Imagine that you are trying to sell your screenplay for, say, $60K, a lot of money particularly by today's recessed standards. A buyer might look at that price and think, hmmm, do I really want this screenplay? Do I really need it? Now, imagine that very same buyer when presented with a bundle. For that same 60K, what if s/he will get not only your script, but also something else that s/he would find desirable? Your script could be combined with sex, for instance, oral sex. Now who wouldn't want to read a...

Filmmaking is a collaborative art, and screenwriters are constantly having to take criticism. Often the very people who give us dumb notes criticize us for implementing them. In other words, we do their idiot notes, and when the result is bad, they blame us not themselves. It's hard to sit there with a bright eager smile at those times. It may help to invent a "code" that lets you express your justifiable anger in a constructive way. Here's my personal code in case it helps. I, Barton Bukowski, use this in development meetings. When I say "Interesting idea" it really means "That is the single dumbest idea in the history of humanity after syphilis" "Now that's food for thought" means "I would rather remove my own tonsils with pliers than put that idea in the script" "Cool" = "Crap" "No problem I can do that" means "Implementing your notes is a physical impossibility on the ...

IIt's important to make an emotional connection when you are pitching. Therefore, BEFORE the meeting, always do the FOLLOWING: Follow the person for several days before the pitch. Find out stuff about them, for instance, what they buy at Trader Joe's. Start out the meeting with, well, I notice that last night you bought the frozen barbecue chicken pizza while I was watching you at Trader Joes. What could be more personal than that? Go through their trash so you'll know their habits and intimate details. Drop highly personal information within seconds of meeting them to break the ice. "So how did your daughter Janie do at her seventh grade cheerleading tryouts yesterday?" Try rooting through their trash the night before to find any intimate personal tidbits you can bring up in casual conversation. "I noticed from your garbage that you were using Preparation H to treat hemmeroids." You can't break the ice better than that. ...

How many times does it happen? We spend days writing a new script, say a drama, only to learn from a friend at the coffee house that "dramas are so yesterday." Now suddenly the "in" thing is R rated comedy! Oh great. And you just wasted 2 weeks! What to do? Here is how to change your DRAMA into an R rated COMEDY in ten minutes or less, using the tried-and-true "find and replace" function of your script writing program: Replace "cancer patient" with "busy uptight hero" Replace "partner" with "boozy best friend" Replace "disease" with "hilarious bar bet" Replace "dies" with "drops the f bomb" Replace "cemetery" with "bedroom" Replace "death" with "sex" You ALSO may wish to have every other dialogue block conclude with the word "dude." For example: You have an incurable disease, DUDE. I don't love ...

I'm not making this stuff up, people. This is from Wikipedia (ever heard of it?): A powerful number is a positive integer m such that for every prime number p dividing m, p2 also divides m. The following is a list of all powerful numbers between 1 and 1000: 1, 4, 8, 9, 16, 25, 27, 32, 36, 49, 64, 72, 81, 100, 108, 121, 125, 128, 144, 169, 196, 200, 216, 225, 243, 256, 288, 289, 324, 343, 361, 392, 400, 432, 441, 484, 500, 512, 529, 576, 625, 648, 675, 676, 729, 784, 800, 841, 864, 900, 961, 968, 972, 1000. Now, let's look at the length of some successful screenplays and their page counts. Alice in Wonderland. 125 pages. True Grit. 121 pages. Gone with the Wind. 144 pages. The King's Speech. 128 pages. See a pattern? One of the most heavily guarded secrets in Hollywood is that content is overrated. It's all about the page count. When your total number of pages is a powerful number, people may read your screenplay and think, "I feel t...

To seal the deal and sell their script, a writer must count on  technique . I practice my writer's technique four or five times a day.  I like to use a watermelon to practice, but really you can use any fruit or even large vegetable (such as a pumpkin) that you find appropriate. Let's break it down into stages. 1) Pucker the lips. 2) Kiss the fruit imagining that you are kissing the ass of a studio executive. What style kiss? Slobbery or dry? Peck or impassionado? That's up to you. The main thing = practice, practice, practice. (And then make a nice fruit salad.)

BEFORE you pitch, remember to PRACTICE your presentation. The best way to practice is on actual PEOPLE. No fair practicing with yourself in front of the mirror. Find the people who are the LEAST LIKELY to buy your pitch. For instance, I like to go to Dodger's Stadium and try to sell my movie pitch idea to the fans of the losing team that night after the game. Other times, I'll try selling my pitch to gang members. Remember, if you can sell your pitch to The Grape Street Crips, then you MIGHT be able to sell it to a studio executive.

I like to break down the winning template for screenplay success. This will save you a lot of time.  Instead of spending hours thinking about what will happen in your screenplay, simply use the following form (fill in the blanks as appropriate) A ________ living in ________ has a problem. S/he has many winning qualities but lacks the ability to ________. Along comes _________ who/which (circle one) challenges her to change. The _______ decides to ________. Several obstacles however present themselves, most notably ______, ______ and ______. In order to get around the obstacles, our ________ tries to _______ but the _______ _______ before s/he can _______. At the same time _________________, but _________ has to __________ until _________, _________ or ________. However, __________ with the clock ticking, _________, _________, ________. Finally _________, and in a big ending _________ and ___________. _________, with _________, __________, _________ and ______...

Each year over 10,000,000,000 new screenplays are registered with the Writers Guild of America. Only .000000001% of scripts sell. So you could labor for a YEAR trying to write a great script that NEVER sells, or you could use some simple marketing tools and techniques to SELL YOUR SCRIPT TODAY. Why not use  advertising to help sell your screenplay? For instance: Take out local TV ads for your screenplay, to advertise how great it is. Testimonials . Submit your literary property with testimonials from various individuals saying how how they loved it (wink wink). And what about making your script more appealing by setting it apart using some tricks from merchandising? Scented pages . I like to spray my scripts with expensive cologne AND perfume to give the message... sexy, suave, sleek. Gold ink . Print out your script on rice paper with gilded lettering in a fancy font like Zaph Chancery. It helps communicate the message, "This is quality. I'm being inv...

Here is a pro tip. When you're pitching your Hollywood Movie Idea, don't waste time talking about who the story is about, what's the genre, or who is the target audience. You DON'T need all that. Instead, boil down your pitch into TWO WORDS. I know what you're thinking. Barton, can a two word pitch really sell? Can I truly strike Gower Avenue Gold walking into a meeting and saying just two words? I, Barton J. Bukowski, assure you a two word pitch WILL sell.* (*Provided the two words are the first name and the last name of a big movie star who has agreed to do your movie.) Say those two words, leave the meeting, and wait for bags of cash to start raining down. This technique also works with  three words, e.g. "Guillermo del Toro"

Pop Quiz: WHICH is the following screenwriters is the SUCCESSFUL one (answer at the bottom). SCREENWRITER #1 Boo hoo. I can't get a writing gig. SCREENWRITER #2 Waaaa. I can't sell my pitch. SCREENWRITER #3 Complain all you want. But I'm all about hard work. I'm going to start draft #336 of my new spec comedy about a dude that decides to enter the Miss Argentina pageant. SCREENWRITER #5 (to self) Hmmm, good concept. I think I'll quietly pitch it while he's distracted perfecting his spec. ANSWER TO THE QUIZ: Screenwriter #5 is successful because he got the idea to market first. The moral of today's story: Work fast, or don't tell your friends what you're writing.

There is nothing better than saying in a pitch or story meeting, this is based on a TRUE STORY . But what do you do if your true story is BORING ? A lot of writers make the mistake of assuming that, just because a story is based on "reality," that means they can't influence reality. Not so. You are a part of reality as are most studio executives and even many agents. And, as part of reality, you can influence reality. For instance... Let's say you found a true story about an elderly Polish woman who lives on her own so that she can give her retirement money to her grandchildren for their education.  It sadly sounds a bit dull. However, how cool would it be for the grandchildren to go MISSING , and the elderly woman starts receiving mysterious MESSAGES : drive your motorized wheelchair and be at 'x' place at 'x' time. If you want to see your grandkids, you must cook your cat's hairballs with angel hair pasta and eat it. And more....

Who is this movie for? I can't tell you how many times I, Barton Bukowski, get asked that question. Over and over and over again. Oh that damn question! Who is the movie for? I like to get really specific when I answer that question. For example: "The movie I'm writing is for a 47 year old retired glassblower named Michele who lives in the Burgundy region of France." Perfect answer. Who can argue with that? Or "This movie is for my 98-year-old Great Aunt Sally who lives in a nursing home." That way, you can tailor your script for your audience. For instance, if you are writing the script for MICHELE , you can make sure to include lots of references to Napoleonic Wars and people eating frogs. Also make sure to include for fun explanations of the history of glass blowing techniques. You can customize your theme by using this rich detail: you might play with the dramatic tension between the traditional way to blow glass and the facto...