Screenwriting Survival

Filmmaking is a collaborative art, and screenwriters are constantly having to take criticism. Often the very people who give us dumb notes criticize us for implementing them. In other words, we do their idiot notes, and when the result is bad, they blame us not themselves. It's hard to sit there with a bright eager smile at those times. It may help to invent a "code" that lets you express your justifiable anger in a constructive way. Here's my personal code in case it helps. I, Barton Bukowski, use this in development meetings. When I say "Interesting idea" it really means "That is the single dumbest idea in the history of humanity after syphilis" "Now that's food for thought" means "I would rather remove my own tonsils with pliers than put that idea in the script" "Cool" = "Crap" "No problem I can do that" means "Implementing your notes is a physical impossibility on the

IIt's important to make an emotional connection when you are pitching. Therefore, BEFORE the meeting, always do the FOLLOWING: Follow the person for several days before the pitch. Find out stuff about them, for instance, what they buy at Trader Joe's. Start out the meeting with, well, I notice that last night you bought the frozen barbecue chicken pizza while I was watching you at Trader Joes. What could be more personal than that? Go through their trash so you'll know their habits and intimate details. Drop highly personal information within seconds of meeting them to break the ice. "So how did your daughter Janie do at her seventh grade cheerleading tryouts yesterday?" Try rooting through their trash the night before to find any intimate personal tidbits you can bring up in casual conversation. "I noticed from your garbage that you were using Preparation H to treat hemmeroids." You can't break the ice better than that.

How many times does it happen? We spend days writing a new script, say a drama, only to learn from a friend at the coffee house that "dramas are so yesterday." Now suddenly the "in" thing is R rated comedy! Oh great. And you just wasted 2 weeks! What to do? Here is how to change your DRAMA into an R rated COMEDY in ten minutes or less, using the tried-and-true "find and replace" function of your script writing program: Replace "cancer patient" with "busy uptight hero" Replace "partner" with "boozy best friend" Replace "disease" with "hilarious bar bet" Replace "dies" with "drops the f bomb" Replace "cemetery" with "bedroom" Replace "death" with "sex" You ALSO may wish to have every other dialogue block conclude with the word "dude." For example: You have an incurable disease, DUDE. I don't love

I'm not making this stuff up, people. This is from Wikipedia (ever heard of it?): A powerful number is a positive integer m such that for every prime number p dividing m, p2 also divides m. The following is a list of all powerful numbers between 1 and 1000: 1, 4, 8, 9, 16, 25, 27, 32, 36, 49, 64, 72, 81, 100, 108, 121, 125, 128, 144, 169, 196, 200, 216, 225, 243, 256, 288, 289, 324, 343, 361, 392, 400, 432, 441, 484, 500, 512, 529, 576, 625, 648, 675, 676, 729, 784, 800, 841, 864, 900, 961, 968, 972, 1000. Now, let's look at the length of some successful screenplays and their page counts. Alice in Wonderland. 125 pages. True Grit. 121 pages. Gone with the Wind. 144 pages. The King's Speech. 128 pages. See a pattern? One of the most heavily guarded secrets in Hollywood is that content is overrated. It's all about the page count. When your total number of pages is a powerful number, people may read your screenplay and think, "I feel t

To seal the deal and sell their script, a writer must count on  technique . I practice my writer's technique four or five times a day.  I like to use a watermelon to practice, but really you can use any fruit or even large vegetable (such as a pumpkin) that you find appropriate. Let's break it down into stages. 1) Pucker the lips. 2) Kiss the fruit imagining that you are kissing the ass of a studio executive. What style kiss? Slobbery or dry? Peck or impassionado? That's up to you. The main thing = practice, practice, practice. (And then make a nice fruit salad.)

BEFORE you pitch, remember to PRACTICE your presentation. The best way to practice is on actual PEOPLE. No fair practicing with yourself in front of the mirror. Find the people who are the LEAST LIKELY to buy your pitch. For instance, I like to go to Dodger's Stadium and try to sell my movie pitch idea to the fans of the losing team that night after the game. Other times, I'll try selling my pitch to gang members. Remember, if you can sell your pitch to The Grape Street Crips, then you MIGHT be able to sell it to a studio executive.